Binging while writing blog, trashing the blog
Thursday, February 04, 2016
That's exactly the order of events yesterday. I declared it an "extra" snow day, or rather "slick roads" day yesterday. And that's a danger zone for me... especially as the sun came out, the wind wasn't too bad, and my walks were already cleared. The only weather workout I got was chipping the piles the plow left behind when it came through, and fortunately they weren't too bad, 'cause I got to them before they re froze, fused into mountains of ice.
I backed the car out to do a test drive to the grocery store BEFORE the plows came through. Heard a couple of clunks as the little Honda Fit (Dexter) went over stray clumps. Disturbing. Also streets very slick.
Sat down to write a blog about my "victory" day on Tuesday. The writing didn't go well. I wasn't feeling so victorious. I was feeling wimpish... and I started eating. I hit the delete on the blog. It wasn't honest.
Two extra bowls of cereal (a foolish purchase, I don't eat dry cereal any more... I had somehow let two boxes in the house in response to a $1 off coupon... thinking I could control portions, that's been an epic fail). Extra bananas (2)... half a canister of raisins, alongside about 2 ounces of raw nuts... melted "lite" cheese (3 sticks) and a small baked potato. This replaced afternoon, evening snacks and dinner. So it wasn't as "bad" a binge as it could have been. The disturbing thing was that it was in response to writing a hopeful/victorious blog.
What does that say? It says I'm not confident that the "bad behavior" is over. I'm not ready to claim victory. I'm still hanging on by my fingernails. AND... I'm not feeling positive about the Red Dress Dash... I'm feeling like I "caved" to social pressure.
On Facebook yesterday, my running coach had posted a video interview with one of the Olympic marathon hopefuls she had met. This young lady, among other things, talked about the pressure of expectations, how it rises with every victory. I've blogged about feeling that before, and I'm not anywhere near her level of performance.
This morning I did a reality check waist measurement... not that my tightening jeans didn't already tell me... but 2" up. Not just pounds on the scale, inches on the tape.
So, I'm now looking back at 2010, when I first entered "maintenance" as I hit the initial goal weight of my dreams... and decided that I liked the levels of eating and activity I was at, and to let my body find its own "home". The weight on the scale this morning matches that of 8/4/2010, the date on which I declare myself "done". It's not nearly as low as my "racing weight" (meaning 10 pounds over).
So... I'm entering a phase of debating with myself about several things: 1) my people pleasing tendencies, and not honoring myself... which kicks in my 2) rebel persona, that tends to undermine goals I had not really set for MYSELF. 3) Whether I'm tired, bored, or still unwell, contributing to this struggle, or if it's 4) the effects of what I'm doing with food... setting me up for cravings.
Bottom line: it's still a battle. We're going for goals JUST for today, ONE day at a time. Each day that I make it through following what I know is "enough" for me? A victory.
- The bag(s) are packed... one with food, the other with my running gear for tonight's Red Dress event.
- Remember to eat ONLY what's in the bag at work.
- Remember to breathe and prioritize on the first day back at work after snow days.
- Cut yourself a break about tonight's event... you have a plan... stop resenting how you got to the event, and start enjoying being there!
'Nuff said? 'Nuff said! Spark on, my friends. For some of us, the "easy" days are only SOME of the days!
